Woody Allen Quotes and Quotation

Time and space

• Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Consciousness

• What a wonderful thing to be conscious. I wonder what the people in New Jersey do?

Others

• What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
  • Source: Without Feathers, (1976)

• The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
  • Source: Without Feathers, (1976)

• I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.

• Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

• His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

• How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

• I am at two with nature.

• I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

• I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

• I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

• I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

• I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

• I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

• I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

• I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

• Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

• It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

• It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

• Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

• More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

• Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

• My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

• Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

• Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

• The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

• Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

• What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

• When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

• Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

• You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

• "The two biggest myths about me are that I'm an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I'm an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years."

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