Twin Peaks Quotes and Quotation

Quotable dialog

[Cooper is ordering breakfast during his first morning at the Great Northern.]

Dale Cooper: Now, I'd like two eggs, over hard. I know, don't tell me; it's hard on the arteries, but old habits die hard — just about as hard as I want those eggs. Bacon, super-crispy. Almost burned. Cremated. That's great. And, I'll have the grapefruit juice, just as long as those grapefruits…

[He trails off as he sees high school vixen Audrey Horne saunter up to his table.]

Dale Cooper: … are freshly squeezed.

[Pete Martell pours coffee for Dale Cooper and Sheriff Truman.]

Pete Martell: Mr. Cooper, how do you take it?

Dale Cooper: Black as midnight on a moonless night.

Pete Martell: Pretty black.

[FBI pathologist Albert Rosenfield refuses to release Laura's body for the funeral.]

Dr. Hayward: You're the most cold-blooded man I've ever seen! I've never in my life met a man with so little regard for human frailty. Have you no compassion?!

Albert Rosenfield: Oh, I've got compassion running out of my nose, pal! I'm the Sultan of Sentiment! Dr. Hayward, I have travelled thousands of miles and apparently several centuries to this forgotten sinkhole in order to perform a series of tests. Now, I do not ask you to understand these tests. I'm not a cruel man. I just ask you to get the hell outta my way, so I that can finish my work! Is that clear?!

[Cooper has a chat with Albert after the latter was decked by an irate Sheriff Truman.]

Albert Rosenfield: The old rustic sucker-punch, huh? [calling after Truman] A hail of bullets would be nice!

Dale Cooper: That's enough! The sheriff didn't mean anything.

Albert Rosenfield: He hit me!

Dale Cooper: Well, I'm sure he meant to do that.

[Hotel-owner Ben and his brother Jerry discuss a group of Icelandic investors.]

Ben Horne: We've laid in a gala reception for your faired-haired boys tonight. All of Twin Peaks' best and brightest.

Jerry Horne: We're holding it in a phone booth?

[One-Eyed Jack's madam Blackie chats with Cooper and Big Ed, undercover as "Barney" and "Fred".]

Blackie: Fred, what's your line?

Big Ed Hurley: Own a gas station.

[Cooper gives Big Ed a look.]

Big Ed Hurley: Uh-um, I'm an oral surgeon.

Blackie: Well, I've got a Chevy parked out back with a serious root canal problem. Wanna take a look?

Big Ed Hurley: Well, I was hoping you might need a little gum work, 'cause I'd sure like to get a look under your hood.

Blackie: [to Cooper] Mmmm… Fred's okay.

[Sheriff Truman and Lucy visit Cooper in the hospital.]

Sheriff Truman: Lucy… you better bring Agent Cooper up to date.

Lucy Moran: Leo Johnson was shot, Jacques Renault was strangled, the mill burned, Shelly and Pete got smoke inhalation, Catherine and Josie are missing, Nadine is in a coma from taking sleeping pills.

Dale Cooper: How long have I been out?

[Albert is examining Cooper's injuries while he lists the problems of the Twin Peaks case.]

Albert Rosenfield: Meanwhile, one of your principal suspects is killed in his hospital bed, and the other is shot in his living room. You tell me: vigilante justice, or just clean country living?

Dale Cooper: Albert, where does this attitude of general unpleasantness come from?

Albert Rosenfield: I'll have to get back to you on that.

Dale Cooper: Well, if you don't want two black eyes on a regular basis, I suggest you make some kind of peace with the rural life.

Albert Rosenfield: Great. After the square dance, maybe we can all take a hayride.

[Deputy Andy, who recently had a board he stepped on hit him in the face, interrupts Cooper and Albert.]

Dale Cooper: Andy! How's the nose?

Deputy Andy: Not a mark on it! Only blood squirted out.

Albert Rosenfield: Where do they keep his water dish?

. . .

Dale Cooper: Good work, Andy.

Albert Rosenfield: Yeah. Woof.

Albert Rosenfield: I, uh, performed the autopsy on Jacques Renault. Stomach contents revealed… let's see, beer cans, a Maryland license plate, half a bicycle tire, a goat… and a small wooden puppet. Goes by the name of Pinocchio.

Dale Cooper: You're making a joke!

Albert Rosenfield: I like to think of myself as one of the happy generations.

. . .

Albert Rosenfield: Oh, the world's most decrepit room service waiter remembers nothing out of the ordinary about the night in question. No surprise there. Señor Droolcup has, shall we say, a mind that wanders.

Sheriff Truman: So, what did this giant sound like, huh? I mean, did he have a big, booming voice or what?

Dale Cooper: No, no! He spoke softly, distinctly.

Albert Rosenfield: And you gave him the beans you were supposed to use to buy a cow.

Dale Cooper: No, Albert! I gave him my ring.

Albert Rosenfield: Okay. Uh, confining my conclusions to the planet Earth…

[Albert gives his forensic conclusions on an unknown perpetrator.]

Albert Rosenfield: … and he worked with Leo Johnson, currently appearing at Calhoun Memorial Hospital as Mr. Potato Head.

Sheriff Truman: Anything we should be working on?

Albert Rosenfield: Yeah. You might practice walking without dragging your knuckles on the floor. Heh heh heh.

Donna Hayward: There's things you can't get in books.

Harold Smith: There are things you can't get anywhere… but we dream they can be found in other people.

[Dale Cooper's nearly-deaf boss, Gordon Cole, is on the speakerphone.]

Gordon Cole: COOPER, YOU REMIND ME TODAY OF A SMALL MEXICAN CHIHUAHUA.

[Cooper and Truman question the one-armed man, Mike.]

Dale Cooper: What does Bob want?

"Mike" The One-Armed Man: He is Bob, eager for fun. He wears a smile. Everybody run!

[Dale Cooper reads Harold Smith's suicide note.]

Dale Cooper: "J'ai une âme solitaire." I am a lonely soul. Poor guy.

[One-armed man Mike noses around Ben Horne, who's being held for questioning.]

Jerry Horne: Sheriff… no offense, but, eh… clearly, this man's stairs do not reach the attic. Now, your 24 hours are up! You either charge my client or let him go!

Sheriff Truman: Ben Horne, I'm charging you with the murder of Laura Palmer.

Benjamin Horne: Yeah. Good move, Jer!

[Agent Dennis "Denise" Bryson (David Duchovny), dressed in drag, confers with Cooper et al.]

"Denise" Bryson: [I] understand we're both staying at the Great Northern. How's the food up there?

Dale Cooper: Denise, you're in for a real surprise.

Sheriff Truman: [to himself] So are they.

[Agent Bryson asks admiringly after the departing Audrey Horne.]

Dale Cooper: Denise, I would assume you're no longer interested in girls.

"Denise" Bryson: Coop, I may be wearing a dress, but I still pull my panties on one leg at a time, if you know what I mean.

Dale Cooper: Not really.

[Albert observers suspended agent-cum-deputy Cooper's plaid shirt and khaki slacks.]

Albert Rosenfield: Oh, Coop, uh, about the uniform…

Dale Cooper: Yes, Albert?

Albert Rosenfield: Replacing the quiet elegance of the dark suit and tie with the casual indifference of these muted earth tones is a form of fashion suicide, but, uh, call me crazy — on you it works.

[Pete, helping Cooper figure out how to outplay evil genius Windom Earle at chess, is interrupted by his "students".]

Lucy Moran: Mr. Martel, Andy moved his knight without doing the little hook thing.

Deputy Andy: You don't have to do the little hook thing; that's optional.

Pete Martell: Andy, uh… the knight has to do the "little hook thing".

Deputy Andy: Every time?

Pete Martell: It's a privilege! No one else gets to make that move.

[Near-deaf FBI boss Gordon Cole and Shelly are sharing a diner booth with Cooper and Annie. As Gordon and Shelly kiss, her boyfriend Bobby walks in.]

Bobby Briggs: Hey! What the hell's going on?

Gordon Cole: YOU ARE WITNESSING A FRONT THREE-QUARTER VIEW OF TWO ADULTS SHARING A TENDER MOMENT. [to Shelly] Acts like he's never seen a kiss before.

Dale Cooper: Uh, Gordon…

Gordon Cole: [to Bobby] TAKE ANOTHER LOOK, SONNY. IT'S GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN!

See also

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