That 70's Show Quotes and Quotation

• • Donna: Ok, so look, I've lived next door to Eric my entire life, and we talk about everything together, we love the same music, we love the Packers, and then I kissed him and everything changed and now I don't know if he's my boyfriend or he's my best friend, and if he's my boyfriend, I lose my best friend and if I screw it up I lose my best friend and my boyfriend and now I've gotta get him this gift and I don't know if--
  • Jackie: Donna, Donna! I've solved it. Get him a scented candle.
  • Donna: A scented candle?
  • Jackie: It's practical and romantic.

  • Donna: How's it goin' back there?
  • Eric: Okay Donna, just for that, I'm not taking your bra off.
  • Donna: Well, you weren't taking it off anyway!

  • Donna: I'd just like a little attention while you're struggling with my underwear. I'm here, too. It doesn't always have to be about the twins.

  • Bob: Hey, there kids, where've you two been?
  • Donna: God, Dad can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, God, it was just a minute!
  • Eric: To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.

Eric Forman

• • Red: What you got there, Eric?
  • Eric: Beer... I found it... just sitting... you know... around.
  • Red: Well, put 'em away, son.
  • Eric: Oh, I intend to, sir.
  • Kitty: Oh, honey, honey. On your way to the basement, could you pop these in the fridge? They're warm! (she hands him two more beers.)

  • Red: What the hell happened to Bob's hair?
  • Eric: Beats me.
  • Red: His head looks like a poodle's ass. Boy, just when you think you've seen everything...
  • Eric: A poodle's ass walks into your party!

  • Donna: All I’m saying is we have to wait for the right time.
  • Eric: Okay. How about now?
  • Donna: Um, no.
  • Eric: Okay. How about now?
  • Donna: No.
  • Eric: Okay. Now?
  • Donna: Yes.
  • Eric: Really?
  • Donna: No.
  • Eric: Okay. Now, right?

  • Kitty to the doctor: Well, it's just that, uh, Mr. Harris is allergic to penicillin and I thought that erythromycin might make him a touch less dead.
  • Eric, cheerfully: I know that when I go to the hospital, I like to not die!

Fez

• I said good day!

• My gosh, Buddy, with a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores.
  • Jackie: Michael, who is this guy?
  • Kelso: Oh, that's Fez. He's a foreign exchange student.
  • Jackie: What'd we exchange for him?

  • Fez: you know in my country--
  • Hyde: It's illegal here.
  • Fez: Oh, I see.

  • Fez: I am so excited about Star Whores.
  • Hyde: Fezzy, man, Star Wars.
  • Fez: Screw that.

  • Watching Gilligan's Island:
  • Fez: Hey, they're finally getting off the island!
  • Eric: No, Fez, they're not getting off the island.
  • Fez: But they have a clock and a radio. What could go wrong?

  • Fez on his English teacher:
  • She's always writing sexy comments on my homework. "Nice job." "Good effort." "See me."

• Could you send your best wine to Caroline, and tell her when I said "hi" I meant "I'll take you like a stallion."

Hyde

• • Hyde: I can’t believe this. Who cares if Ford is coming?
  • Eric: It’s better than when the Oscar Meyers weenie mobile drove through.
  • Donna: They didn’t even stop! They just slowed down and threw a bunch of hotdog whistles at us.
  • Hyde: Two girls in a phallic RV, driving around handing out things you blow... What a great country.

• Hyde: Dating is prostitution, man, only you don't always get what you pay for.

• Hyde: Disco is from hell, okay? And not the cool part of hell with all the murderers, but the lame ass part where the really bad accountants live.
  • Hyde: Forman, let's go get wasted.
  • Eric: See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.
  • Hyde: Your grandma's dead? Oh. Well. Let's go get wasted.

  • Hyde: Hey, Forman, you have any naked pictures of your grandma?
  • Eric: No!
  • Hyde, laughing and handing him the box of photos: You do now!!

  • Hyde: I’ll be in the basement.
  • Kitty: No, you sit!
  • Hyde: Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I’m family!
  • Laurie: Not to me, freak.
  • Hyde: You are so going to end up in porno!

Jackie

• • On Saturday Night Live:
  • Jackie: I hate that show. Okay, they have these commercials that you think are real, but they're not real. And then, you wanna buy the stuff!

  • Donna: Jackie, what the hell is going on between you and Kelso?
  • Jackie: Michael Kelso and I have made beautiful love.
  • Donna: Ewww! I mean...No, ewww. Why are you being such a doormat?
  • Jackie: Look, I have to be nice. Look, what if he gets bored now?
  • Donna: Bored? Jackie, he's gonna wanna do it again.
  • Jackie: So, what you're saying is I'm totally in charge.
  • Donna: Well, I mean a partner--
  • Jackie: No, no, no, I own him!
  • Donna: Well, Jackie I--
  • Jackie: No, no. Thank you Donna.

  • Jackie: When Michael and I were apart, he realized how much he missed me. I'm telling you, Donna, breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did.
  • Donna: I thought you said that getting a pedicure was the best thing you ever did.
  • Jackie: That was last week, Donna.

  • Donna: Jackie, exactly when did you lose your soul?
  • Jackie: Um... Cheerleading camp.

  • Jackie: I'm a thief!
  • Hyde: I think technically you're an accessory.
  • Eric: Which should make you happy, cuz you love accessories.

Kelso

• • Hyde: Moron! Every day you say you're breaking up with her!
  • Kelso: Well, you guys don't know her like I do! (Realizes he has a large purple hickey. He covers it up.) I mean, it's not just about fooling around! She buys me stuff!
  • Hyde: She hoovered your chest, man!

  • Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macy behind the gym?
  • Hyde: Everyone.

  • Trucker: Well, hello there!
  • Kelso: Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?
  • Trucker: Oh, I’m going wherever you’re going!
  • Kelso: Wow, that’s lucky!
  • Trucker: So, did it hurt?
  • Kelso: What?
  • Trucker: When you fell down from heaven!
  • Kelso: No, I’m fine!

• Kelso: Jackie! We can do that for the rest of our lives! Star Wars is a limited engagement!
  • Kelso: Hey. Pretty great funeral, huh?
  • Hyde: Red, I'm sorry about your mom, man. And I'm sorry Kelso's an idiot

• Why would you just cuddle with her, when you could do it? I mean, Forman, doing it is “it." That’s why they call “it” “it”! “IT”!!
  • Kelso: The only thing better than eating lobster is eating lobster and hauling ass. So let's haul ass!
  • Donna: Kelso, it's wrong!
  • Kelso: Wrong, or hilarious??
  • Eric: Wrong, you dillhole!

Kitty

• • Kitty imagining what's happening at the party:
  • Donna: Now that the adults are gone, we can be as bad as we want.
  • Jackie: Who wants to give Eric a venereal disease?!
  • Kelso: Hey look, coasters!
  • Hyde: Forget coasters!
  • Eric: Please, fellas, my mom put out coasters for a reason.
  • Hyde: I think I'm going to put my drink directly on the furniture. That way, it will leave a ring.
  • Eric: Nooo!! Why oh why didn't I beg my mother to stay?!
  • Fez: Quiet you silly American! I am making a long distance call on your parents' phone!
  • Eric: But that's immoral!

  • Red: Now don’t worry, I’m simply gonna ask him how the hell he’s gonna fix this economy!
  • Kitty: Oh, honey, he wouldn’t know that, he’s the President!

  • Kitty: Oh Red, that is so good! Oh, uh, right there, uh, oh, that hasn’t been touched in years!
  • (We see that she's daydreaming that Red is dusting.)

  • Kitty: All right, all right. Now. You listen up. I have had an extremely stressful day. And I am not proud of what I'm about to say, but someone give me a cigarette. Now!
  • Eric, innocently: But mom, we don't smoke.
  • Kitty: Cut the crap, Eric! I am a nurse. I know that one in five teenagers smoke. (Pointing at them) ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! Now. I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them there had better be a cigarette between these two fingers! Come on people, hop to!
  • (She closes her eyes and someone's hand puts a cigarette in her hand.)
  • Kitty: Thank you. Light! (Five hands flick lighters.)

  • Kitty: You know Donna, my grandmother came from Sweden, and she had this thick thick accent and it embarrassed me to no end. Well, I asked her not to come to my high-school graduation cuz I didn’t want my friends to hear her talk. And she didn’t come. Sixteen years later, she got the gout and died. You see?
  • Donna: No.
  • Kitty: All families are embarrassing. And if they’re not embarrassing, then they’re dead.

  • Red wants to fix the table leg.
  • Kitty: Honey, honey, we’re eating, we’re eating.
  • Eric: Yeah, just put a sugar packet under it.
  • Red: Sugar packet? That’s what’s wrong with this country Eric. Nobody wants to roll up their sleeves and work. They’re all looking for their sugar packet solution. Well, not me. I’m getting a saw!
  • Eric: Mom, has dad gone crazy?
  • Kitty: I’m afraid so, dear.

  • Kitty: Good news, Red. I just took Cosmo’s ten ways to please your man in bed test, and I got nine out of ten! But I didn’t get number three because I’m a nurse and number three is icky.

  • Kitty: You don’t spend nearly enough time with your father.
  • Eric: That’s because he doesn’t like me.
  • Kitty: Yes, he does like you. And that’s no excuse.

Red

• • Red: The world is a tough place. You drop your guard for one second, and they’ll kick you right in the ass!
  • Kitty: Well, you’re right. Red, the world is hard, so, wouldn’t it be nice if Eric came home to a place that wasn’t?
  • Red: Fine, Kitty, when you win the lottery, you can buy him Disneyland.

  • Red: It's about the rules. And without the rules we might as well all be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other, like monkeys!

  • Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.

  • Kitty: I know you’re seventeen and we can’t stop you from doing what you wanna do...
  • Red: Yes we can.

  • Red: Listen, while you're here, why don't you shine this flashlight on that um, carburetor there.
  • Jackie: Like this?(The whole hood of the car is filled with light)
  • Red: My God! One of you's not useless!

  • Red as Obi Wan: A Jedi's power lies within his own mi-- are you even listening to me?
  • Eric as Luke: What? Yes. Um, you were saying, may the force be with me?
  • Red as Obi Wan: No, I did not. Jedi Knight?! Jedi Dumbass!

  • Kitty: There are five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
  • Red: Kitty, I've got two stages. Anger, and drinking.

  • Kitty is reading a pamphlet titled "Is Johnny High?")
  • Kitty: Well, okay, now, so far Eric is nine out of ten. He's got, he's got blood shot eyes, mood swings, irregular appetite, odd sleeping patterns, oh Red! Our Johnny is high!
  • Red: Kitty, that's nonsense! He's not on drugs, he's just weird!

  • Kitty and Red trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York:
  • Red: We don't think that you should go.
  • Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.
  • Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.
  • Kitty: In New York you get mugged for no good reason.
  • Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
  • Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.
  • Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
  • Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!
  • Red: What'r'you gonna put on your resume? 'Dumbass'?

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