Simpsons Quotes and Quotation

• Wow, I can't believe we just met Mr Bean!
  • Homer's comment after meeting Tony Blair, Prime Minister of the UK, who takes off in a jetpack
• Wait a minute... I'm in no condition to drive...hmm...Hey, I'm drunk! I shouldn't listen to myself !
• To alcohol - The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.
• The strong must protect the Sweet.
• Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close.
• Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
• Homer no function beer well without.
• When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
• Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
• I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
• [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
• What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
• Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
• The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
• When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
• I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
• I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
• Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
• I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
• Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
• It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
• Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
• I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
• Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. fourteen percent of people know that.
• Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
• Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
• How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
• I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
• I hope he tells us to burn our pants, these things are driving me nuts.
• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
• If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
• I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
• Operator! Give me the number for 911!
• Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
• I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
• Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!
• Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. ... OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. ... Thy will be done.
• Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
• Son, a woman is a lot like a... [looks around] a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
• Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
• Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
• Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!
• That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
• God bless those pagans.
• (To the tune of pop-goes-the weasel) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!
• Mmmm, free goo.
• Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
• I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
• Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! ... Well, good night.
• Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.
• Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
• Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff! In jail we had to be in this dumb kabuki play about the 47 Ronin, and I wanted to be Oshi, but they made me Ori!
• Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
• All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
• Ah, my beer! Oh, now you'll never have a chance to turn into my urine.
• I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
• I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if it’s speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called “The bus that couldn’t slow down.”
• In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
• Bart: That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer.
  Homer: Ooh, let’s pick him up!
  Marge: No! What if he’s crazy?
  Homer: And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots.
• Wait a minute, there’s something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn’t have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap ladies!
• Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?
• Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
  Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
• I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.
• Faith: Lisa, I’m Faith Crowley, Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest.
  Homer: Oh, I love your magazine. My favourite section is “How to increase your word power.” That thing is really, really … good.
• Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.
• Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
  Homer: Boy, I don’t know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
• Here are your messages: ‘You have thirty minutes to move your car.’ ‘You have ten minutes to move your car.’ ‘Your car has been impounded.’ ‘Your car has been crushed into a cube.’ ‘You have thirty minutes to move your cube.’
• Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family.
• Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.
• Now, son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddys, and kids with fake I.D.s.
• I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.
• Always remember that you’re representing your country. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.
• Come here, Apu. If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another, until you just wish Flanders was dead.
• Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.
• You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
• Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
  Homer: I'll handle this ... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty ... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
• Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I'll just estimate. Nine!
• Look at 'em. Watchin' my TV. Sittin on my couch. You better not be in my ass groove!
• Art lady: It's called 'outsider art.' It could be done by a mental patient, a hillbilly . . . or a chimpanzee.
  Homer: Hey! In high school, I was voted most likely to BE a mental patient, a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee!
• Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with liquid gold!
• Flanders: I think we hit something.
  Homer: I hope its Flanders.
• What are you gonna do? Release the dogs?! Or the bees?! Or dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?
• Marge: Homer! Stop! You'll kill us all!
  Homer: Or die trying!
• Lisa: Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a babysitter!
  Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation...
• Oh, I'm not gonna lie to you Marge .... see ya!
• Stupid T.V. Be more funny.
• Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
  Vendor: We have crab juice and Mountain Dew.
  Homer: Eeewww. I'll have the crab juice!
• We're goin bowling. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths.
• I'm not outta order! You're outta order! The whole freakin' system's outta order! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and stick your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face! You'll know what to do - forget it Marge - it's Chinatown!
• But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make god madder and madder.
• Marge: What happened to the car?
  Homer: Nothing.
  Marge: I don't remember it having broken axels before!
  Homer: Before before before! You're livin in the past Marge. Quit livin in the past!
• Homer (childproofing Apu's apartment): You should get yourself a nice, round Buddha.
  Apu: Sir, I am a Hindu!
  Homer: Well, so am I, but I don't get all huffy about it!
• Marge: What about Mr. Burns, maybe he'll help us out.
  Homer: Forget it, he releases the hounds at every charity that comes to his door, Feed the Children, Save the Whales, even Release the Hounds
• Homer: No TV, no beer, makes Homer something something.
  Marge: Go crazy?
  Homer: Don't mind if I do!.
• Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend. How can I help you?
  Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
  Homer: (after staring blankly) Can I have some money now?
• Homer: (driving ambulance) Where to man?
  Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You are an ambulance, not a taxi!
  Homer: Hospital, ah? Wow, everyone's going there tonight.
  Lisa: Dad, you've been driving in circles for twenty minutes! Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?
  Homer: Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?!
• All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
• Stupid Flanders! You're a genius.
• Homer: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Lisa, honey, are you saying you are never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
  Lisa: No.
  Homer: Ham?
  Lisa: No.
  Homer: Pork chops?
  Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
  Homer: Heh, heh, heh. (sarcastically) Oh, suuure Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
• Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer!
• Flanders: What happened to the plow from old snowplow business?
  Homer: I never had a snowplow business.
  Flanders: Yes, you did: "Mr. Plow". You're wearing the jacket right now.
  Homer: I think I remember my own life, Ned. (to himself) Call Mr. Plow. That's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow.
• Here in France, no one calls me "fat jerk". I'm a "gourmand".
• Homer: If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock. We'll lose tourists! Then who will buy my road-side corn?!
  Marge: You don't sell road-side corn.
  Homer: There's a lot you don't know about me Marge. A lot that would shock you.
• Homer: Son, if there's one thing this life has taught me, it's to avoid trouble just say nothing. Don't rock the boat. Don't even get in the boat! Just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier. But don't go in the bathrooms; they're filthy!.
  Bart: But I have to say something.
  Homer: Talk about boats. Then when they ask you if you hate this country, you just smile and pretend you don't.
  Bart: But I don't hate this country.
  Homer: There, there. Just save your lies for the American public.
• Lenny: Hey Homer, weren't you the plant's Y2K compliance officer?
  Homer: Absolutely!
  Carl: Must've been hard debugging all those computers, eh?
  Homer: Doing what now?
  Lisa: You did do it right, Dad? Because a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world.
  Homer: (calm) That can't be true honey. If it were, I'd be terrified.
• (after getting rescued) I'll never mock the Coast Guard again. You Navy rejects are all right.
• Homer: (demonstrating the garage door) I just press this button and the door opens like magic.
  (door rises a few inches and stops)
  Pepe: Why does it stop there?
  Homer: Because it's a stupid PIECE OF JUNK!!
  (Homer begins pounding the door)
• Stewardess: I'm sorry, but this flight is overbooked.
  Marge: Hmmm. So much for getting my groove back.
  Stewardess: So we are going to upgrade you both to first class.
  Homer: There's a first class?!
• Oh, Lisa. You and your stories: Bart is a vampire, beer kills brain cells.
• I'm no missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus!
• Homer: All right, guys! It's time to clean up this town!
  Skinner: Meaning what exactly?
  Homer: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel important. That kind of thing.
• Now who's the Dean!
• Homer: Hello...I'm Mr. Burns. I believe you got mail for me...
  Post Officer: Okay, Mr. Burns...what is your first name?
  Homer: I don't know...
• Lisa: Okay, I put all the chores in this hat.
  Homer: (moving hand through hat) Come on, bikini inspector! (picks chore) "Scrub toliet"?! Okay that was a practice. (picks chore) Practice. (picks another chore) Practice. (picks another chore) Oh, here we go. "Feed fish"!
  Bart: I'll supervise!
  Lisa: You know, the reason for the hat...
  Homer: Oh, it's a great hat. No one's questioning the hat.
  Lisa: Urgh! Will you at least do the dishes?!
  Homer: Lisa, I'll do the dishes when I pick out of the chore hat, and it's not a practice. (picks chore) See, there it is! But that was a practice. This system works!
• (after discovering Lincoln didn't bury any gold) That lying, rail-spitting, theater-going freak!!
• Homer: Oh, no! Lisa's dead! And nothing will ever bring her back! (slyly) Unless...
  Lisa: Dad, I'm not dead.
  Homer: Oh, praise God! You're alive! (slyly) Unless...
• Homer: Here you go, Flanders. I've found your missing wheelbarrow, chainsaw, leaf blower, and morning newspaper.
  Ned: Ooo, good job, Inspector Find-it. Did you catch the thief?
  Homer: (suspicious) Who said it was a he?
  Ned: Well, I sure didn't.
  Homer: Who said you did?!
  Ned: No one.
  Homer: Wrong answer! You're coming with me!
  Ned: Okaly-dokaly.
  Homer: Don't push your luck, pal!
• Homer: You're going straight to juvie!
  Jimbo: But I just got out of juvie.
  Homer: Good! 'Cause I need directions!
• History Channel narrator: America, 1948. Americans pick their president. Victory seemed certain for Governor Thomas E. Dewey.
  Homer: Dewey! Dewey! Dewey! Dewey!
  Lisa: Dad, I'm telling you. Truman wins.
  Narrator: The headlines proclaim, "Dewey defeats Truman".
  Homer: Yes, I win the bet! Who’s your daddy?!
  Narrator: But the headlines are dead wrong. (Homer gasps) Harry Truman triumphs by two million votes.
  Homer: Not if I can stop that inauguration!
• Homer: Oh, you know what Arthur Fortune did lately? He donated two male pandas to the zoo and got them to mate successfully!
  Mr. Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
  Homer: Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. (looking out window) Oh, look, a blue car!
• No son of mine is gonna be a nineteenth-century Cockney bootblack!
• (1st telemarketing message) Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you have the power in you right now. So use it. And send one dollar to "Happy Dude," 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away!
  (2nd telemarketing message) Greetings, friend. This is Homer Simpson. The court has ordered me to call everyone in town and say that I'm sorry. (pause) I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, please send one dollar to "Sorry Dude," 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.
• (work answering machine tape)
  Homer: Hello. You have reached the workplace of Homer Simpson. If you are calling about the waterbed, please leave a detailed message. If you need to...
  Mr. Burns: Get back to work.
  Homer: Ahhhh!
• Homer (drunk): Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us: Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him!
• Lisa: You should really listen to him. He's a man of science, and you can barley read.
  Homer: Bah, science. Has science ever kissed a woman, or won the Super Bowl, or put a man on the moon? Here's what I think of your precious science. (goes full speed into a blood vein. Submarine begins to go out of control) Help me science!

Bart Simpson Quotes

• I am aware of the work of Pablo Naruda.
• I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
• I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
• You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
• Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Santa.
• I've said it before, and I'll say it again...aye carumba!
• It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing...We're gonna live like kings...Damn-Hell-Ass kings!!
• Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?
• There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
• Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
• You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years. I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do: smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID, shave a swear word in my hair.
• I think its ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas.
• Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
  Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.
• But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace!
• Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
• What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.
• I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress - Hmm, that gives me an idea. Note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.
• I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!
• What if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
• Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.
• These prices suck! 10,000 yen for coleslaw?
• Why would God punish a kid? I mean.... an American kid?
• I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
• Don't worry, all the convicts are long dead! And I'm sure that their ghosts are in hell.
• Wow! You got to see the rod?
• To Mrs. Krabappel: "I never knew an angel could fly so low."
• Don't worry, Stampy. I won't let Homer sell you to that ivory dealer. You and I are going to run away together. We'll keep to the back roads and make our way south. Then, if I know my geography, it's just twelve miles to Africa.
• Bart: Oh, I'm starving! Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze?
  Marge: No, no one's going Catholic. Three children is enough, thank you.

Lisa Simpson Quotes

• If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
• Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself.
  Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked.
• On Nelson: He's not like anybody I've ever met. He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest.
• I am the Lizard Queen!
• Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
• Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity! Aaaaa!
• There truly were monsters on that ship, and truly, we were them.
• It would rather destroy itself than live with us. You can't help but feel a little rejected.
• You can't change anyone... except for that boy at the library.
• As Intelligence goes up, Happiness goes down. See, I made a graph. I make a lot of graphs.
• Lisa: Mrs Rowling, I've read all your books.
  JK Rowling: Thank you, young Muggle.
  Lisa: Can you tell me what happens at the end?
  JK Rowling (testily): sigh... He grows up and marries you. Is that what you wanted to hear?
  Lisa (dreamily): Yeesss.....
  • Lisa's brief conversation with JK Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books.
• (after Homer stops taking marijuana) I want my old dad back, the one who was yelling all the time and...(pause) you know, I'm not sure what I want.
• (Blair Witch rip-off)
  Lisa: (talking into camera) Both of us heard strange noices coming from this very spot. Bart and I will explore the attic until we find their source. (creaking; laughs nervously) Hee, hee, must be the pipes. What do you think, Bart?
  Bart: I think you're on your own, tuts. (leaves)
  Lisa: Okay, I'll just stay calm and approach this scientifically. (more creaking) Oh God, oh God, oh god. (crying) If I don't make it out alive, I love you, Mom and Dad. Maggie, you can have my books. And Bart, I'll see you in hell, you booger-eating wuss! That's right, we all know!

Milhouse Van Houten

• You said I never had a goldfish, but why'd I have a bowl Bart? Why'd I have a bowl?!?
• I can help you sir, and I answer to no one.
• You leave that to the Baron and me.
• So this is what it feels like... when doves cry!
• How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy.
• Alf's back... in pog form.
• What is it with cherubs? I mean, are they barfing or something?
• Everything is coming up Milhouse!
• The Statue of Liberty? Where are we?!
• (To Bart over the phone): I'd also want to be a free man...(To his mom) MOM, where's my Puppy Goo-Goo? (his mother brings a stuffed Shih Tzu) Oh, Puppy Goo-Goo, bring me a dream.
• The house always wins
• I will be a nerd fish (when some tella him want fish he wants to be)
• Bart: Do you realize what this means?
  Milhouse: Yeah, but you say it first.

Ralph Wiggum quotes

• Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
• Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
• Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!
• I bent my wookie.
• Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!
• The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
• Daddy, I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.
• I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
• And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
• I found a moonrock in my nose!
• That's the rock where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burn things!
• I'm Idaho!
• When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!
• Even my boogers taste spicy.
• What's a battle?
• Miss Hoover: Ralph, are you eating paste?
  Ralph (with paste in his mouth): Mo, ish oovah.
• It tastes like ... burning.
• Bart: Smell that? That's the smell of justice.
  Ralph: Smells like hot dogs.
• Look Big Daddy. It's Regular Daddy.
• Lisa's a vegimartian.
• Everybody's hugging.
• Go banana!
• Bushes are nice because they don't have pricklies. Unless they do. This one did. Ouch.
• Why do people run from me? (wets pants)
• It's recess everywhere but in his heart.
• My cat's breath smells like cat food.
• When I grow up, I want to be just like principal Skinner. . . or a caterpillar!
• I'm a gulch!
• Dying tickles!
• Ralph: (tap dancing) My shoes are making noise.
  Little Vicky: You must be Ralph.
  Ralph: My daddy shoots people.
• Lisa: What kind of job do you want?
  Ralph: I want to be a firetruck.
  Lisa: Hmmm, how 'bout a feature columnist?
  Ralph: Yaaaay! I'm a feature columnist! (starts running in circles and makes sounds like a firetruck)
• Me fail English? That's unpossible!
• Miss Hoover can I have another red crayon, I ate mine

Principal Skinner Quotes

• I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes ... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts!
• I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it.
• Order, order. Do you kids want to be like the real UN, or do you just want to squabble and waste time?
• Up yours, Children!
• That's two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
• Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willie. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.
• There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
• Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
• I've always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.
• That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
• Attention, all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.
• Skinner: I see you beat that bedwetting problem in second-grade.
  Samantha Stanky: That's in there?!
  Skinner: Don't worry. I'm sure they'll forget about it. (going into lapse) Just like they forgot about me in that tiger cage for 18 agonizing months! Every night I woke up screaming!
• Skinner: Valentine's day is no joke!
  (Flashback: Da Nang, Valentine's Day 1969)
  Skinner: Sending your chick a valentine, huh?
  Johnny: Oh yeah.
  (Johnny is gunned down by machine gun fire)
  Skinner: Johnny? (flashback ends) Johnny?! (Over still active P.A.) JOHNNY!!!
  Bart: Cool, I broke his brain.
• I haven't seen such unfettered hurley-burley since the fall of Saigon.

Moe Szyslak Quotes

• All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.(Lie buzzer) Sears catalog.(ding)Now will you unhook this thing? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment!(lie buzzer)
• Just like my dad used to say, 'Sooner or later, everybody gets shot.'
• Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
• They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
• People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
• Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
  Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
  Moe: The results came back today.
• Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?
• Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
• Hi, I'm Moe, or, as the ladies use to call me: "Hey you behind the bushes"
• Moe: Oh. Am I really that ugly?
  Carl: Ah, Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat?
  Moe: Ahhh. It's worse than I thought!
  (Moe, Lenny, Barney, and Homer begin crying)
  Carl: (looking at the camera) See this why I don't talk much.
• Geez, who'd a thought a whale would be so heavy

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon Quotes

• Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I work, I work.
• Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
• Please do not offer peanuts to my god.
• Ah! the searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.
• I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
• Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass
• Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
• Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie!
• Nickel off on expired baby food
• Kindly pay for your purchases and get out, and come again!
• Apu: Baby Asprin $24.95.
  Marge: $24.95!?
  Apu: Yes. I had to lower the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.
• Mmmm, that's good adultery!
• Thank you for coming. I will see you in hell.
• Thank you, come again!
• Barney: I'm not too thrilled with our Stonewall Jackson, neither.
  Apu (dressed as General Jackson): The South shall come again!

Chief Wiggum Quotes

• Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls ... two, I suppose.
• See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.
• All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
• No jury in the world is going to convict a baby... Maybe Texas.
• You know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.
• Oh, sure. We'd all love some real friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?
• I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
• Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer?
• This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
• She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police! Now where did I put my badge?...Hey, that duck's got it!
• Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!
• Ehm, what does it say on my badge?... 'Cash Bribes Only'!
• Ralph, what is it with your facination with my 'Forbidden Closet of Mystery'?
• Let him go. I have a feeling we'll meet again. Each and every week.
• No, you got the wrong number, this is 912.
• Marge: Chief Wiggum, my daughter is innocent until proven guilty.
  (Homer and Lisa break garage door and drive away.)
  Wiggum: Would an innocent person flee?...No really... I'm asking. I honestly don't know.
  Lou: Ah no, Chief.
  Ralph: Even I knew that.
  Wiggum: Yeah, yeah. I'm no good.
• Wiggum: All right, smart guy, where's the fire?
  Homer: Over there.
  (Homer points to the police station, which is on fire)
  Wiggum: Okay, you just bought yourself a 317: pointing out police stupidity. Oh wait, is that a 314? No, 314 is a dog, uh, in, no, is that a 315? Eh, you're in trouble, pal.
• Wiggum: Listen up, home invaders. We don't want trouble. We just want to talk.
  Lou: You want to talk? We can talk about Eddie sleeping with my ex-wife.
  Wiggum: I thought the divorce was final.
  Lou: When is a divorce ever final?
• Marge: Please. You have to protect my husband.
  Wiggum: Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people?
  Lou: Uh, second word, Chief.
  Wiggum: Thanks a lot, Princeton Pete.
• Mona Simpson: (into car mike) Granny to the Man. Granny to the Man.
  Wiggum: (looking at "Hippie-English" dictionary and talking into car mike) This is the man. We think it'd be a gas if you turned that magic bus around and kept on truckin to our pig pad.
  Mona Simpson: I don't know what you're saying, but I am not turning back.
  Wiggum: Then listen to me, lady. The only way you're getting off this mountain is in a box, or a funicular.
  Lou: What about a hot-air balloon?
  Wiggum: Yeah, pipe down, Jules Verne.
• Time for another hot beef injection.
• Wiggum: (after shooting a tall guy) They're not so tough.
  Lou: Uh, chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.
  Wiggum: Yeah, well, uh, he was turning into a monster.
• Wiggum: Hello? It sounds like a domestic disturbance. Alright we'll be right back, and don't try anything because Johansen there is a snitch.
• Wiggum: Nice work, Brenda. I'll take it from here.
  Robot: No way. This is my collar. :wiggum turns robot off:
  Wiggum: Heh. Too bad real women don't come with these, huh?
  Homer: Hehehe, you got that right.
  Wiggum: Quiet you. That counts as your phone call.
• Lou: Another case of Monopoly related violence, chief.
  Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?

Rainier Wolfcastle (McBain) Quotes

• I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve. There, I will hunt the deadliest game of all... Man.
• Someone please, give me a job. I lowered my quote to $8 million. I do nude scene, I play nerd. Don't make me punch your throat!
• Maria, my mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee.
• My eyes! The goggles they do nothing!
• Leave me a message after the beep..BUT DON'T BE A MESSAGE HOG USING UP ALL MY TAPE!
• Laughing time is ovah.
• My teenage son returns from a fancy East Coast college, and I'm horrified to discover he's a nerd.
• On closer inspection, these are loafers.
• My new film is a mixture of action and comedy.
• Have you ever noticed how men leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke.
• Here's my impression of Woody Allen. (doesn't change voice at all) "I'm a neurotic little nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.
• My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her.
• Nice shirt. It makes you look like a homosexual. [Audience boos]. Perhaps you are all homosexuals!
• McBain to base! Under attack by Commie-Nazis!
• 1 Highway, 0 City
• Up and at them!
• Let my muscles hug you.
• MANDOZA!

Marge Simpson Quotes

• You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.
• Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years!
• Now let's all forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
• You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.
• Shoot 'em all, and let God sort them out.
• Now that's what I call breakneck speed!
• It was pretty exciting. But celery's pretty exciting too
• Marge: Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downy Jr. is shooting it out with the police!
  Bart: I don't see any cameras.

Mr. Burns Quotes

• Excellent.
• Ahoy-hoy [Mr Burns answering a telephone]
• ...Simpson, eh?
• Well, that's odd ... I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers - have him beaten to a pulp.
• I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.
• What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
• Just give the great unwashed a pair of oversized breasts and a happy ending, and they'll 'oink' for more every time.
• Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut!
• I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh.
• Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!
• Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.

• Bad corpse! Stop ... scaring ... Smithers!
• A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
• Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.... Layabouts.... Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.
• Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
  Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
• Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
  Smithers: If you did it, sir?
• [Stone flies through Mr. Burns' office window] Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
• Do my worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
• Ah, Monday morning. Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you hungover drones.
• Reading? His job description clearly specified an illiterate!
• Burns: To the plant. And the Spruce Moose will take us there. Hop in, Smithers.
  Smithers: But sir, that's just...
  Burns: (holding a gun) I said, "hop in".
• Burns: You know Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphange . . . When pigs fly. (Both laugh as an airborne pig suddenly "flys" by, having been ejected from the Simpsons BBQ.)
  Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now sir?
  Burns: Mm . . . No I'd still prefer not.
• I'm at war with a little girl! And I'm losing!
• Non-violence never solved anything!
• Burns: Release the League of Evil. [Wall opens to reveal a table with skeletons at it] What happened to my league?
  Smithers: Even monsters need air, sir
• Hmmm. . . Eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd think I'd be happier with the dollar.
• Pie that brownie...fruitcake.
• "You've just won the, uh, First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for, uh, Outstanding Acheivement in the Field of uh, Excellence..."
• Smithers: Our research shows that people see you as something of an ogre.
  Burns: Why, I ought to club them and eat their bones!
• Burns: Smithers, I've designed a new airplane. I call it the "Spruce Moose", and it will carry two hundred passengers from New York's Idyllwild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen minutes!
  Smithers: That's quite a nice model, sir.
  Burns: Model?
• Doctor: We call it, "Three Stooges syndrome".
  Mr. Burns: So, what your telling me is...I'm indestructible.
  Doctor: Oh, no no. Even a slight breeze could...
  Mr. Burns: Indestructible.
• That's it little drones. Make honey for your queen. Fools! Fools! (Talking to a hive of bees)

Nelson Quotes

• Haa ha
• We've been doing a lot of upper body work on Bart. Today let's pound his kidneys.
• [On the movie "Naked Lunch"] I can think of at least two things wrong with that title!
• Check it out, a freezer geezer!
• Hey, that hurts. No wonder no one came to my birthday party.
• Lisa: [reading] "Nuke the whales?" You don't really believe that, do you?
  Nelson: I dunno. Gotta nuke something.*
• Nelson: Hey, it's not my fault. I can't afford a better lunchbox 'cause I'm poor. (class laughs) Shut up! My mom got too fat to work at Hooters. (class laughs) They won't even let her park cars. (class laughs)
  Krabappel: Class, stop it! Nelson may be poor, but I'm sure he has his seven dollars for today's field trip.
  Nelson: Um, actually...uh...the thing is...
  (Bus stops and leaves Nelson on the sidewalk. Nelson looks in a window and sees himself wearing a suit and tophat)
  Nelson: (crying) Someday.
• Skinner: I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community sevice.
  Nelson: What if we refuse?
  Skinner: Then you won't pass to the next grade.
  Nelson: Somehow, I fail to see the threat.
• Hey, Bart. I "borrowed" my uncle's pellet gun. Wanna go shoot Apu?
• Wiggum: (collecting I.D.'s) All right, you two scofflaws are violating curfew. I'm taking you downtown. (looking at Nelson's) Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert.
  Nelson: (deep voice) Not at all, officer. (laughing like Hibbert)

Prof. Frink Quotes

• PI IS EXACTLY THREE!!!
• Frink: Well, you should think of stuff that people need, but which do not exist yet.
  Homer: You mean like an electric-blanket-mobile?
  Frink: Well, I suppose that's possib...or you could think of stuff that exist, and find a new use for it, like...
  Homer: Hamburger earmuffs.
  Frink: Well, that may...
  Homer: So long sucker!
  Frink: What?! Okay, calm down, Frinky. These babies will be in the stores while he's still grappling with the pickle matrix!
• Now, that I have my hammer-screwdriver, I could reanimate him, without the switching of tools. Oh, that always tedious and aNNOYING.
• Mr. Burns: What do you think I'm paying you for?
  Homer: Uh, to work in your power plant?
  Willie: You're not paying me anything.
  Frink: You kidnapped me. I remember it distinctly, with the grabbing and the duct-taping and the tennis ball in the mouth. It hurt me.
• Frink: Acording to my calculations every robot will eventualy run amok with the killing and the screaming and the pointy teeth...
  Scientist: My God Professor, when will this happen?
  Frink: In exactly 24 hours! (robots get up and start attacking lab workers) Oh dear, I forgot to carry the one.
• Professor Frink, Professor Frink
  He'll make you laugh, He'll make you think
  He likes to run and do the... thing... with the... person. [pause] Oh boy that monkey's gonna pay!

Comic Book Guy Quotes

• [after buying 100 tacos] This should provide adequate sustenance for the Dr. Who marathon.
• Correction, I don't believe I've ever bought you . . . oh.
• You would think that would deter me, but no!
• Stan Lee insulted me! But in Bizzaro World, that means he likes me!
• I must return to my lair, where I dispense the insults, rather than absorb them.
• Nooo, it's no longer a collectible!
• You may keep my posterior, however, please return my Jabba the Butt tattoo.
• Galdak.
• Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
• Human contact: the final frontier.
• Internet King? Perhaps he can provide faster nudity.
• But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills! You're from two different worlds!(Sees atomic bomb)Oh, I've wasted my life.
• Now make like my pants and split!
• Stop! Those are prescription pants!
• Homer: I need some money for Christmas. How much will you give me for this Joe DiMaggio baseball card? It's kind of old.
  Comic Book Guy: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid this card is only worth...(turns cash register upside down and dumps all his money) EVERYTHING I'VE GOT! Everything! Take it! (takes baseball card) Oh no! I've smudged it with nacho fingers! I must deftly lick it off.
  Homer: Thank you (under his breath) freak.

Disco Stu Quotes

• Disco Stu likes disco music.
• Disco Stu doesn't advertise.
• Disco Stu got addicted to the white stuff in the seventies.
• Disco Stu (as an ancient Greek): Discus Stu has ouzo for two-zo.
  Bart: I'll leave you guys alone.
  Disco Stu: Discus Stu was talking to you.

Reverend Lovejoy Quotes

• ...and thereby boring into the rock of injustice. Boring, boring, boring, boring...
• [after finding an easter bunny in the collection plate] Who put this blasphemous icon in here?
• (To Marge)I've never had to say this before, but it is completely his fault! And I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame.
• Wait a minute! This sounds like rock and/or roll music.
• Oh Ned, have you ever tried any other of the major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
• Rev. Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
  Helen: Hmm, hmm.
  Marge: Isn't that a sin?
  Rev. Lovejoy: Marge, everything is a sin. (holds out Bible) Have you ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
• Rev. Lovejoy: And so with that in mind, go in peace to do the Lord's Work. Aaaaaaaaaaaa...
  (everyone anxiously gets ready to leave)
  Rev. Lovejoy: ...aaaaaa Mennonite minister will be here to give a guest sermon next week. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
  Homer: Don't make me come up there!
  Rev. Lovejoy: ...men.
  (everyone stampedes out)

• Not many people know I was the first person to own a radio in Springfield. Weren't much on the airwaves those days, just Edison reciting the alphabet. "A", he'd say, then "B" . . . "C" would usually follow . . .
• Grandpa: My story begins in the year Nineteen Dickety-Two. We had to say "dickety", because the Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles.
  Martin: Dickety! Highly dubious.
  Grandpa:What're you cacklin' about, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem.
• Bart: But Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
  Grandpa: I figured it was 'cause the Democrats were in power again.
• We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So, I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to ride the ferry cost a nickel, but in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. 'Gimme 5 bees for a quarter,' you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yes.The important thing was, I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.
• Bah, back when I was young, we got spanked by Presidents all the time. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.
• Marge: Dirty word drinks, adult boardgames; I'm so glad I sent the kids to Grandpa's to protect their innocent minds.
  Grandpa: (showing Bart and Lisa a photo album) And here are some more Germans we killed. That flamethrower really sausaged their waffles.
  Bart/Lisa: Ewwww! Gross!
  Lisa: Grandpa, how do you sleep at night?!?
  Grandpa: They drug us.
• (on Homer's first day of school) Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it.

Barney Gumble Quotes

• Since they stopped testing on animals, a guy like me can really clean up!
• Hmm... someone spillt beer into this ashtray!
• (Moe and Lenny are watching Homer get struck by lighting in Japan)
  Lenny: Hey, Moe. Ain't that Homer on the Japanese T.V. channel?
  Moe: Wait a minute. If that's Homer, then who the hell's been putting drinks on his tab?
  (They both look at Barney, who is dressed up like Homer)
  Barney: Do'h. Woo-hoo. Um, that boy ain't right. (leaves)
• [Barney drinking from the tap]: Ah! My heart just stopped! .... Ahh there it goes.
• Barney: Relapse!
  Lisa: R-E-L-A-P-S-E
  Barney: that's what beer has done to me! sock-it-to-me sock-it-to-me sock-it-to-me

Catch Phrases

• Homer: "D'oh!"; "Why you little...!" "Mmmm..." "Stupid Flanders!"
• Marge: (Back of throat growl of disappointment)
• Bart: "Aye-carumba!"; "Eat my shorts."; "Don't have a cow, man!"; "I didn't do it!";"I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! You can't prove anything!"
• Flanders: "Hidely ho, neighbor!"; "Okely-dokely."
• Mr Burns: "Excellent."; "Release the hounds!"; "Simpson, eh?"
• Apu: "Thank you, please come again."
• Comic Book Guy: "Worst [blank] ever!"
• Mayor Quimby: "Vote Quimby."
• Troy McClure: "Hello, I'm Troy McClure, You may remember me from such films as...."
• Nelson: "Ha-Ha."
• Chalmers: SKINNNNER!!!
• Professor Frink: "Gah-HOY'geh'flavin!"
• Barney: (Belch)

One Liners and Other Quotes

• Groundskeeper Willy: "Boys and girls are natural enemies. Like Scots and Englishmen. Or Scots and Welshmen. Or Scots and Scots. Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!"

• Mayor Quimby: "Ich bin ein Springfielder!"

• Announcer: "Flight, the dream of man and flightless bird alike."

• Miss Springfield: "Gentlemen, start your whacking!"

• (In the courtroom)
  Prosecutor: "I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Wille!"
  Defense: "Objection!"
  Judge: "I'm going to allow this: it characterizes the defendant as a carjacker."

• Judge Snyder:As for science versus religion, I am issuing a restraining order. Science must remain 500 yards away from religion at all times.
  

• Sideshow Mel: Come! Let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess!

• Benjamin: That Dean is going to get an indignant e-mail.
  Doug: You should do it with bold, red letters.
  Gary: My computer has 512 shades of red.

• Sideshow Mel: SILENCE! You're talking too loud.

• (Krusty the Klown skit: U.N. meeting)
  Sideshow Mel: I will now call the role. France.
  Krusty (as a French delegate): Oh my cheese; she stanks! What a minute, it's me!
  Sideshow Mel: Jamaica.
  Krusty (as a Jamaican delegate): Hey, man. I now call a joint session. This meeting is dreadlocked.
  Sideshow Mel: San Francisco.
  Krusty (as a "San Francisco delegate"): Hey there sailor! I'm here and faaabulous. Now I'd like to call a motion. Woooooo!

• Arnie Pie: (over looking a riot in his helicoptor) Well Kent, this city has just exploded in a fire of pent-up rage! (laughes nerviously)
  Kent Brockman: Arnie, I think what the people want to know is "is my house okay"?
  Arnie Pie: What?! Do you mean "is your giant castle okay, KENT"!?!
  Kent Brockman: Arnie, don't be mad just cause I bought it at the right time.
  Arnie Pie: Where's my right time, Kent?! Where's my right time?!

• Mick Jagger: Get a good night's sleep and remember: Rule #1, there are no rules!
  Campers: Yaaaaaaaaaa!
  Mick Jagger: Rule #2, no outside food.

• Maude Flanders: I don't think we're talking about love here--we're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!!
  Krusty (standing in background): Sex Cauldron!?! I thought they shut that place down!

• Krusty: Hey-hey (whooping laugh) Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-wha-ha-ha-ha!

• Groundskeeper Willie: Wha!?! Go ABERDEEN!!

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