Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes and Quotation

Season 1

The Creeping Terror [1.06]

[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]

: Hey! Is this "From Here to Eternity"?

: No, it just seems like an eternity.

Robot Monster [1.07]

[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man consults with his boss, the Great Guidance.]

Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!

[as Ro-Man]: Me-man?

Ro-Man: Yes. [in distress] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!

Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Man, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you.

[as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?

Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law!

Robot Holocaust [1.10]

[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk. Unfortunately, she doesn't.]

Valeria: You liv me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?

Torque: Yes!

Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man?

: Yes! Young girl I don't understand.

Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?

[as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?

Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now.

Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?

Season 2

Catalina Caper [2.06]

[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors & The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]

: I feel a number coming on…

Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick!

Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something.

: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina!

⇒ A collision of dance-pop group "Gloria Estefan & the Miami Sound Machine" and the Greek "deus ex machina" (god from machine), an artifical device introduced to solve a difficult problem.

Godzilla vs. Megalon [2.12]

[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]

[as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.

⇒ An appropriate paraphrase of a line from "".

Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster [2.13]

[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]

[as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here!

⇒ starred as a woman frequently attacked by the title characters in Alfred Hitchcock's "".

Season 3

Pod People [3.03]

[The movie starts, looking through a bedroom window at the crash of lightning and to the sound of thunder.]

: It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class.

[As the musicians park their camper by a river and set up camp, we hear musical chirps from a synthesizer that are meant to be tweeting birds.]

: Syntho-birds.

: Hey, it's a Casio forest.

: They parked next to a data stream.

[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]

Tommy: You see? The pieces go together.

: Oh, if only this film were so lucky.

[Trumpy is making things float and spin in the room.]

Tommy: You can do magic things!

: It's called "evil", kid.

Daddy-O [3.07]

Fugitive Alien [3.10]

[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]

[as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… [chuckling] Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.

Gamera vs. Guiron [3.12]

[In the movie credits, we see: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]

: [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best

: [singing] Movies — NOT!

[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]

, , : Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!

[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]

[as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!

[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]

Tomoko: Kon-cha?

Officer Kondo: Heh? What?

[as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand!

[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]

[as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!

Mighty Jack [3.14]

, , : [singing to "Blow the Man Down"]

Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense.

Way hey, slow the plot down!

Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!

We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

Teenage Caveman [3.15]

Star Force: Fugitive Alien II [3.18]

[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.]

Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey!

[as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey!

[The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]

Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place.

Ken: How will we do it?

Rocky: Easy.

: Wha— wait a minute.

The Unearthly [3.20]

Season 4

Manhunt in Space [4.13]

The Human Duplicators [4.20]

[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]

: Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!

: Neat!

[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]

[as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.

[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]

: Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.

[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]

[as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?

Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?

: I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.

[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]

Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner!

[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]

Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!

Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?

Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a—

Joel: Oh, that's enough.

The Day the Earth Froze [4.22]

[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]

Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you!

[as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me!

[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]

[as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?

[as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad.

[as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer.

Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.

[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]

Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!

[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel & the Bots sing.]

Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo!

Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!

Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation!

Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!

Bride of the Monster [4.23]

[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in smug acceptance.]

Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain.

Season 5

Hercules [5.02]

[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]

: Attack of the Mary Martins!

''⇒ One of actress 's most famous roles was of the similarly-dressed boy-sprite .

Eegah! [5.06]

[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]

Dr. Miller: He left the road right here.

Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes!

: Who said that?!

Alien from L.A. [5.16]

[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]

Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!

[as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction.

Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!

[as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys.

Season 6

Invasion USA [6.02]

The Creeping Terror [6.06]

[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]

Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles.

[as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir?

Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane.

[as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd!

Narrator: Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.

[as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again.

Bloodlust [6.07]

Code Name: Diamond Head [6.08]

The Sword and the Dragon [6.17]

[Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]

Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife.

[as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do.

Red Zone Cuba [6.19]

Season 7

Season 8

The Leech Woman [8.02]

[At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".]

: Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall.

''[The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.]

[as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away.

[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]

[as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata?

[Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]

Neil: Terri… would you marry me?

[Terri pulls away.]

[as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question.

Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't.

[as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it.

The Deadly Mantis [8.04]

[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]

Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada…

[as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy.

Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence.

[as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.

The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05]

[Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]

Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.

: A trade rat?

Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.

Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine.

: You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.

[Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.]

[as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat.

[Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.]

Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright.

[as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat.

[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]

[as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal!

Linda: It still runs.

[as John Cameron Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat.

[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]

Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.

[as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there.

[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]

Flavia: What's that?

: Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift.

The Undead [8.06]

[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]

Quintus: Around the knuckle…

[as Quintus]: Over the gum…

Quintus: … over the fingers…

Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes.

Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it?

[as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you?

Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding…

Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP!

Quintus: First, slowly.

Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly.

Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry.

Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one.

[as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Quintus: When I touch you…

[as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.

⇒ Alluding to Divinyls' song "I Touch Myself": "When I think of you, I touch myself."

Quintus: … we will be one.

Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake.

[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]

Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…

[as Satan]: Route 666!

Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.

[as Satan]: … to sleeping audience.

Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.

: [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!

I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09]

[The werewolf approaches an unsuspecting high school girl practicing gymnastics.]

: Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine!

[The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.]

: Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.

: I thought the night belonged to love.

Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob.

Parts: The Clonus Horror [8.11]

[Richard the clone searches through some top-secret files.]

[as Richard]: Kennedy assassination...Area 51...secret formula for Coca-Cola...Waco...

[as Richard/Winston Smith]: Hey, we're not at war with Eurasia!

⇒ Referencing Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four.

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-up Zombies [8.12]

Jerry: How's college?

Madison: Pretty good. You should try it some time.

Jerry: No thanks. The world is my college.

: He's taking it pass-fail.

Prince of Space [8.16]

[The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]

Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!

: Crank whore?

Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!

[as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down!

[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]

: An exchange of deadly negative scratches!

[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]

Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren!

: Some diffren?

Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!

: You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld?

[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.]

Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please.

[as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese.

[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]

[as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun!

: The upper half of a Hopper painting.

[as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken!

Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside!

Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run!

Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh!

Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?!

The Horror of Party Beach [8.17]

[On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.]

[as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass…

[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.]

: Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.

: So, radiation has a sense of humor!

Devil Doll [8.18]

[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.]

: Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".

: Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free.

[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.]

Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?

[as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!

⇒ Quoting Sally Brown's whining in A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Space Mutiny [8.20]

[Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.]

[as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3!

[On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.]

Capt. Devers: Sir.

[as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.

[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.]

Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.

Capt. Devers: Helveca?

[as Devers]: Oh, I love that font!

Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret.

[as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret.

[Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.]

[as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan.

Time Chasers [8.21]

[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.]

[as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22]

[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]

Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life…

: Whoa!

Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you!

: Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part?

Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman!

[She slaps him.]

[as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually.

Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is.

: Well, slapping him seemed like a good start.

[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]

Rick: What're you gonna do?

Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change.

: Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister!

[Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.]

: Eating Raul!

⇒ Eating Raoul is a cult-classic black comedy film.

[As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…]

: Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh?

Season 9

The Phantom Planet [9.02]

Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it.

Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen.

[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]

Judge Eden: Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.

Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.

[as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness.

[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]

Chapman: I don't understand.

Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here…

[as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob.

[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]

Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man.

[as Jury]: [cheering]

We find him GUILTY! GUILTY!

G-U-I-L … T-Y!

Guilty! Guilty!

G-U-I-L … T-Y!

Whoo! Yaaaay!

[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]

Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.

: So people are just balloons?

[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]

White: Where's Makonnen?

Chapman: He's dead. Gone.

[as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.

Puma Man [9.03]

Vadinho: My name is Vadinho.

[as Vadinho]: I'm an onion.

[Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]

Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does.

[as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda.

[Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.]

Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it.

Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will!

[as Jane]: But my will won't!

Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance.

: Amelia Airhead.

[In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.]

Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death!

[as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes!

[Kobras commands the Pumaman remotely with the mask.]

Kobras: Because you are made of earth...

[as Kobras]: Corn grows in you!

[The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.]

Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone.

: To be left alone — the goal of every great hero!

[As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…]

: [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"]

Believe it or not, this movie's still on.

It should have ended two hours ago!

Werewolf [9.04]

[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]

Paul: I'm actually working on something now.

Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter?

[as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all.

[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]

Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!

[as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary!

Noel: In due time, you'll know everything.

Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late!

: Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.

[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]

Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?

[as Yuri]: Yes, we is.

Natalie: But over my deadBODy.

The Deadly Bees [9.05]

''[A house is engulfed in flames seconds after a burning log drops on the floor in front of the fireplace]

: Apparently, the house was made of typing paper and oily rags.

''[On the mannish Mrs. Hargrove]

: She looks like Popeye in drag.

The Space Children [9.06]

Century 21 Calling [short]

[In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.]

: Oh! They want their little gold jacket back.

[At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.]

[as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.

[A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.]

Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line?

[as Customer]: No.

Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto!

: Well, andante, maybe.

[as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls.

The Space Children (movie)

[The bald Dr. Woman confronts our B-Movie dad about the blob from Heaven.]

Doctor: What does it look like?

[as dad]: Well, it has a nice personality...

The Touch of Satan [9.08]

[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]

Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them…

: Mercy?

Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing.

[as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me.

[A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]

Luther: What happened? What have you done?

[as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!

[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]

Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even.

[as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head.

Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here.

Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around.

[Jody drives off.]

[as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy.

[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]

Melissa: This is where the fish lives.

Jody: Why did you run?

[as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives.

Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran.

[as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?

[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]

[as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives.

Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that.

[as Melissa]: Where your fish lives.

Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in…

Melissa: Stop it.

Jody: You don't believe that?

Melissa: No.

Jody: Well, it could be true.

Melissa: Stop it.

[as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives!

[In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.]

Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…"

[as Strickland]: … said Madeleine.

Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…"

[as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap.

Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears."

[as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think.

Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him."

[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]

Strickland: What is it, child?

Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something.

Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God.

Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't.

Strickland: "Yea…"

Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!"

Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…"

Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…"

Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine."

Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad!

[Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.]

Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…"

[as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it?

Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…"

[as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…"

Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…"

Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there.

[The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.]

Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that?

[as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones!

Gorgo [9.09]

[A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.]

: [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"]

They got into port and everyone was okay.

They went out for lunch and felt better.

[The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.]

: I wish they'd get back to Dorkin.

: Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more.

Servo: Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage?

Crow: Yeah. I- I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'.

Servo: D'oh!

: Hey! Tha- that doesn't even work!

Crow: [lewdly] Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh.

Mike: That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I—

[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]

Mike: You know what I mean. Stop it.

The Final Sacrifice [9.10]

[Troy is visiting his father's grave.]

Troy: [voiceover] Hello, dad. You've been gone ten years. I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.

[as Troy's father]: I died.

[Zap and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit.]

Troy: I'm Troy MacGregor, and this is...

Mike Pipper: Thomas MacGregor's son?

Troy: Yes. Did you know my father?

[as Pipper]: Know him? He was delicious!

[Mike Pipper is doodling on a map.]

[as Pipper/Yosemite Sam]: Ooooh, I needs me an eraser!

[Troy and Pipper are discussing who Zap is.]

Troy: You don't think he...

Mike Pipper: Killed your father?

[as Pipper]: Sounds fun, but I'm busy!

[The unimpressive Lost City of Ziox rises out of the Alberta wilderness.]

: It's not really a lost civilization, turns out it was just unclaimed.

Devil Fish [9.11]

[Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.]

Peter: Janet! Janet!

[as Peter]: Oh, sorry, I forgot. I'm nasty. Miss Jackson!

[Several squads of locals have volunteered to help the police and Coast Guard track down and burn the Devil Fish.]

Sheriff Gordon: Squad number one. Report in.

Squad Member: Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet.

[as Squad Member]: B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-n-nothing yet.

. . .

Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two!

[as Dead Squad Member]: We done been et, over!

. . .

Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two!

: Oh, they'll be number two soon enough.

. . .

[The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.]

[as Devil Fish]: [singing to Neil Young's "Southern Man"] Southern man, gonna eat your head!

. . .

[The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and begin pouring gasoline into the water.]\

: Well, this should take care of every living thing in the Everglades.

. . .

[The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.]

[as Sheriff]: Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms!

: Does the Coast Guard have a lot of use for flamethrowers?

The Screaming Skull [9.12]

The Screaming Skull [movie]

[Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.]

: Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well!

[As Jenni runs from the ghost of Marian, the accompanying music has a soprano singing an erratic sequence of creepy notes.]

: Kiri Te Kanawa is drunk again!

[Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.]

: Oh, great! She's playing her Yoko Ono albums.

Quest of the Delta Knights [9.13]

[As wizard Baydool drags Travis away from the slave market crowd and into his shack, he tries to get him to talk.]

Baydool: ¿Como te llamas?

[as Travis]: Yeah, yo quiero Taco Bell, whatever.

Baydool: Comment vous-appelez vous?

[as Travis]: Je m'appelle… Bite Me!

[While Travis is looking away…]

Baydool: Time for food.

[as Baydool]: Hope you like rats!

[Travis suddenly shows great interest in Baydool's words.]

Baydool: English, eh? My name is Baydool.

[as Baydool]: Oh, wait — that's my intestinal condition.

Baydool: Can you say "Baydool"?

[as Travis]: Let me try… "Get Bent". Eh— no, I guess I can't.

[Afraid of Baydool, Travis runs out the door.]

[as Travis]: I'll see if Bombadil has a place to crash.

[Travis stops Baydool just as a hammer falls from a roof in front of them.]

[as Travis]: Please, hammer, don't hurt 'em.

[In the palace, the Mannerjay (played by Olivia Hussey from "Romeo & Juliet") paces back and forth.]

[as Mannerjay]: [singing to "Love Theme from 'Romeo and Juliet'"]

A time for us

To be in a crappy film!

[Lord Vultare has an audience with the Mannerjay while slaves fan her.]

[as Slave]: Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am?

. . .

Lord Vultare: We've rounded up a number of suspects.

[as Vultare]: … including Kevin Spacey.

Lord Vultare: I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order.

Mannerjay: What of the map?

Lord Vultare: No word. It seems…

[as Vultare]: … chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy?

[After Travis and Leonardo are recaptured by the forest Prince, a noisy, loony henchman drops out of the trees in belated pursuit.]

Loony Henchman: I'm com-iiiing!

[as the Prince]: Put a sock in it, Legolas!

[Vultare is reading what appears to be Archimedes' plans for his high-tech weapon.]

[as Vultare]: "Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation."

Season 10

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders [10.03]

[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]

[as Miffy]: Meow, meow… safe! Meow, meow… very safe!

⇒ Riffing on the dental torture scene in .

Cooper's wife: Honey, are you okay down there?

[as Cooper]: Well, I got old, and I roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine now.

[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]

Merlin: Don't I get a kiss?

Zurella: You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!

: So, she threatened him with sex?

Track of the Moon Beast [10.07]

[Paul zeroes in on Kathy's face for a smooch.]

[as Paul]: Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth.

[Paul rises after fainting.]

Paul: I guess I blacked out.

: Excuse me — you African-Americaned out.

[As the hospital, Kathy has an audio flashback, during which she stares vacantly into space.]

: Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.

Final Justice [10.08]

[Chief Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palmero to Italy.]

Chief Wilson: Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government.

: That's hard to do!

[After car crash and explosion in Malta]

: Cars provided by — !

[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]

: The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly.

[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]

: Guess he's a… felonious monk!

. . .

[as Palermo]: I'm gonna nail some theses to his head!

It Lives By Night [10.10]

[Cathy Beck tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]

Cathy: Dr. Kipling?

[as Cathy]: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's waiting for you.

. . .

Dr. Kipling: Mrs. Beck…

[as Cathy]: You're a loser, baby.

[Man-bat Beck closes the barn door and stumbles around in the dark.]

: Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house?

Squirm [10.12]

Squirm [movie]

Mama Sanders: We should still have some of Daddy's old clothes. They'll be up in the attic.

[as Mama Sanders]: Along with Daddy.

Specials

Halloween: H2O

: Welcome back to the "MST3K Blockbuster Review", featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see.

: Um-hmm.

: Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, "Halloween Water", which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing. Let's watch!

Unknown episode

External links