Monk Quotes and Quotation

Mr. Monk and the Psychic

[Monk is standing a distance from the muddy car crash site on a plank.]

Sharona: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?

Monk: No, I-I can see from here.

Sharona: Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?

[Capt. Stottlemeyer returns to his office to find Monk and Sharona waiting inside.]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Yeah, see, I-I'm confused because my name is on the door.

Monk: Don't… don't blame Sharona, Captain.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I have no intention of blaming Sharona.

[Monk is looking for some evidence in a hardware store.]

\Monk: It's a small pebble. It's about the size… of a… small pebble.

Monk: You gotta be a little skeptical, Sharona. Otherwise you end up believing in everything — UFOs, elves, income tax rebates…

Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale

[Sharona, Benjy, and Monk sit down to play a game of Clue.]

Monk: I know who did it.

Sharona: We haven't started yet! Come on!

Monk: It was Professor Plum in the dining room with a rope.

[Benjy pulls out the answer card and looks up in surprise.]

Benjy: He's right!

Monk: We played this game last year. I remember what cards everybody was holding, and how they were put away, and just now, I was watching how Benjy shuffled…

[Sharona answers a phone call from Captain Stottlemeyer.]

Sharona: Oh, well, actually, ah, we were just finishing up a pretty big case. It was this nasty homicide, um… this woman was found murdered in her dining room with a rope…

[Monk stands with his arms wrapped around himself in the middle of a thoroughly trashed home crime scene.]

Monk: I don't feel so good. Uh, this is like a feng shui nightmare in here.

[Late at night, Stottlemeyer and Disher brainstorm on how the immobile Biederbeck could have killed the judge.]

Disher: What about liposuction?

Stottlemeyer: What?

Disher: Liposuction, yeah! He… he lipo'd himself down to like, uh… I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town… killed the judge.

Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?

[Long pause.]

Disher: Reverse liposuction.

[Capt. Stottlemeyer leads star witness Vezza from Biederbeck's bedroom. Biederbeck yells after him.]

Biederbeck: There's not a prison in the country that can hold me!

Monk: There are very few shopping malls that can hold you.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival

[After Monk breaks her car's headlight while driving, Sharona stops him from getting back behind the wheel.]

Sharona: I'm driving. When Hell freezes over, you can drive again. No — you know what? Even if Hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice!

[Captain Stottlemeyer comes out of the hearing, having failed to support Monk's reinstatement.]

Sharona: You son of a bitch.

Monk: I thought you were gonna do the right thing.

Stottlemeyer: I think I did do the right thing.

Sharona: He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!

Stottlemeyer: I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready.

[Monk walks off.]

Sharona: At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.

Sharona: You okay?

Monk: I just wanna be alone.

Sharona: Okay, I'll come with you.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum

[On the hospital's roof, Monk addresses "Santa" as the police cover them from below.]

Monk: By the way, in case we don't get a chance to talk later, [I] just want you to know — except for the murders and your trying to kill me, you really were the best doctor I ever had.

Mr. Monk and the Other Woman

Monk: It doesn't make any sense.

Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?

Monk: Well… yeah, it kinda does.

[Adrian packs to stay overnight at Monica's after a murder in her garage.]

Sharona: I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!

Monk: You won't have get me — I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!

[After Stottlemeyer ruins Monk's night "sleepover" with a wrong accusation, and Monk nevertheless solves the case…]

Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk!

[Stottlemeyer shuffles uncomfortably for a moment.]

Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.

Monk: You don't have to say that.

Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.

Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man

[After Monk misses seeing his marathon idol, Tonday, because he was uninvitedly fixing someone's sweater…]

Monk: It was askew!

Sharona: So what? So what — why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what're you, the Askew Police?

Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.

[Stottlemeyer et al. confront McDowell about his affair with the murder victim.]

Stottlemeyer: She was your girlfriend.

McDowell: Yes, uh… I really screwed up, big time.

Stottlemeyer: How long have you been screwing up?

[Tonday gives Monk his headband from his famous 1973 run. Monk places it against his cheek.]

Monk: Thank you, my friend. Thank you for this. This… means the world to me.

Tonday: I haven't worn it since the big race. Or washed it.

[Tonday gets into his taxi. Monk pulls the headband off his cheek and stares at it.]

Monk: Baggie! Baggie! Baggie baggie!

Sharona: Just give it to me.

Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation

[Monk and Sharona's son Benjy observe her losing to a handsome acquaintance at tennis.]

Benjy: Mom coulda got that shot. You think she's letting him win?

Monk: I wouldn't be surprised.

Benjy: You know, why do girls do that?

Monk: Someday you'll understand. [pauses] When you do, call me and explain it to me.

[Trying to locate the murder victim, Monk investigates some missing bags of quicklime.]

Monk: There had to be more than one person. I think we're looking for a gang. Did they move those palette boards?

Groundskeeper: They don't belong there.

[Monk compares the window height to the palette stack height.]

Monk: They were short.

Groundskeeper: A short gang of lime thieves?

Monk: It's a nutty world.

[Monk, with Benjy tagging along, checks out the maids' locker room.]

Benjy: Think the dead body's in here?

Monk: Maybe. It's been everywhere else.

[Hotel detective Bronwyn accuses the Spanish-speaking staff of involvement in the murder.]

Bronwyn: The party's over. La fiesta esta… over.

Monk: I don't think I can wait a whole year!

Sharona: For what?

Monk: Our next vacation.

Sharona: You enjoyed that?!

Monk: Oh! I had a great time.

Sharona: Okay, for your information, that was not a vacation, Adrian. A vacation's supposed to be fun and relaxing. That was Murder Camp.

Mr. Monk and the Earthquake

[The earthquake prevents Sharona and Benjy from returning to their home.]

Sharona: Well, we can always stay at Aunt Gail's.

Benjy: Why can't we stay at Mr. Monk's?

Sharona: Because I will go crazy slower at Aunt Gail's.

[As they sit with the new widow, gibberish-speaking Adrian attempts to express his condolences. Sharona tells him to leave the room.]

Father Hatcher: Um… where's he from?

Sharona: Neptune.

[At Sharona's sister Gail's house, Monk joins the Flemings and Darryl in a game of charades. Benjy mimes a movie camera.]

All: Movie! It's a movie!

Monk: "Spider-Man".

[Everyone stares at Monk.]

Benjy: [crestfallen] He's right.

Monk: Well, he's seen the— he's seen the movie 20 times, and he was just reading the comic, so I figured—

Sharona: He's 11 years old. Let him have fun!

Gail: Okay, I got one!

[Gail mimes a movie camera.]

Sharona: It's a—

Monk: Movie.

All: Ah, six— six words.

Monk: "The Man Who Came to Dinner".

Gail: [disgusted] How did ya know that?

Monk: It's a movie… about a house guest who wouldn't leave. Six words… you were looking at… me.

Sharona: Okay. Darryl, why don't you go next?

Darryl: Okay. I got one.

Sharona: Now, instead of playing "Charades", we're playing "Let's Stump Monk".

Gail: "Let's Stump Monk"!

[Darryl mimes opening a book.]

All: It's a book! A book, right?

Monk: "The Bridge at San Luis Rey".

Gail: Is he right?

Sharona: [annoyed] Course he's right.

. . .

[Later, in the kitchen…]

Sharona: How'd you know the name of the book?

Monk: That little story he told at dinner about the bridge collapsing — it was a novel, from the '20s, called The Bridge at San Luis Rey.

[At a bar, Sharona is talking to Darryl about Monk.]

Sharona: He can tell what you're thinking just by how you're sitting in your chair.

Darryl: Wow!

Sharona: Mmm-hmm.

Darryl: I should write about him!

Sharona: You should! Nobody will believe it! [laughs] You'd have to put it in the Science Fiction section.

Lt. Disher: So, uh… what's it like, having Adrian Monk as a house guest?

Gail: Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. Took me two months to get rid of it. Drove me crazy.

Gail: Well, Lt. Disher dropped by.

Monk: He did?

Gail: Yeah. You know, he's kinda cute. I've got this thing for cops.

Monk: [sardonically] Yes, I know. That's why you and I get along so swimmingly.

[Sharona kicks Darryl into the arms of Capt. Stottlemeyer, who grabs him from behind.]

Darryl: Son of a bitch!

Stottlemeyer: I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.

Darryl: I don't have a broken jaw!

[Stottlemeyer spins him around and belts him.]

Sharona: I haven't been paid since the earthquake.

Monk: Are you sure?

Sharona: Yeah! It's been three weeks!

[She pulls out a checkbook from a drawer.]

Sharona: Hmm? Here's your checkbook.

Monk: Ninga bobba wargushag.

Sharona: That's not funny.

Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger

[Monk tries to get Sharona to introduce him to her latest love interest.]

Monk: So let me meet him.

Sharona: We'll invite you to our 10th anniversary, okay?

[During the initial police press conference, a streaker runs by.]

Stottlemeyer: What the hell was that?

Disher: That was a… streaker, sir.

Stottlemeyer: What is this, 1974?

[Monk enters Willie's tour bus.]

Monk: Do you smell that?

Willie: Ah… no, I don't, and you don't, either.

[Willie grins.]

Monk: Ah, I don't, either.

[Monk and Sharona laugh.]

Willie: Yeah, this is a little piece of Texas on wheels.

Monk: I love it! It's the bomb.

Sharona: [incredulously, to Monk] "It's the bomb"?

Monk: "Bomb" is good. It's good.

[Monk rattles off an arcane observation about one of Willie's studio recordings.]

Willie: You know more about me than I do.

Sharona: He knows more about everybody than they do.

Benjy: Did you really meet a blind lady?

Sharona: Yeah.

Benjy: Does she have a dog?

Sharona: No, she had a cane.

Benjy: Hey! Maybe I can interview her for that report I have to do on people with disabilities.

Sharona: Ooh, yeah. I thought you were going to write about…

[She gestures toward Monk.]

Benjy: It only has to be two pages. Mr. Monk is a whole book.

[Watching a surveillance tape of the crime scene in Stottlemeyer's office, Monk plays air-clarinet.]

Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you doing?

Sharona: Oh, uh… he's practicing.

Stottlemeyer: Really?

Sharona: Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.

Stottlemeyer: Oh. It may be live from Folsom Prison.

[At the supermarket, Sharona prepares Wendy Maas for an interview with Monk.]

Sharona: So he just wants to ask you a couple of questions.

Maas: I don't mind. I love children.

[Monk observes Sharona's groceries.]

Monk: What's all this?

Sharona: It's for Saturday night. I'm cooking dinner for Justin.

Monk: Maybe I should drop by.

Sharona: Adrian, I love my job, but if I have to get a restraining order, I will.

[Re-enacting the crime, Monk shoots Sharona with Benjy's toy gun.]

Sharona: Ow! Why am I always the victim?

Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in- in the dirt. And I'm… I'm me. Okay, so now… you've been shot. So now you… run away.

Sharona: With pleasure.

[Sharona and Monk are looking through some bagged LP albums in a used-record store.]

Sharona: Look at all these plastic bags! You must be in heaven.

[After Monk does some alphabetic rearranging, the irritated store manager resorts the albums chronologically.]

Monk: You missed one.

Manager: I didn't— oh. You're right.

Sharona: Are you two related?

Monk, Manager: [in unison] Why would you say that?

[An excited Lt. Disher enters Capt. Stottlemeyer's office.]

Disher: Sir, are you ready for this?

Stottlemeyer: What is this, a game show? Can't you just walk in here and say what you have to say?

[Stottlemeyer orders Disher to bring in Willie.]

Stottlemeyer: I'd have to be crazy, be plumb out of my mind, to arrest Willie Nelson.

[After the live radio session, Stottlemeyer arrives to arrest the famous singer.]

Stottlemeyer: Willie Nelson?

Band member: I'm Willie Nelson.

Jody Payne: I'm Willie Nelson.

Bee Spears: I'm Willie Nelson.

Willie: Don't think they're goin' for it, boys.

[Disher, yelling into his police radio, chases the streaker after his second press conference appearance.]

Disher: We're on foot, heading south towards Prospect!

Dispatcher: Is there a description?

Disher: He's wearing grey sneakers!

Dispatcher: Is there anything else?

Disher: He's not Jewish!

[Monk interrupts Benjy as he interviews Wendy Maas, the blind witness.]

Sharona: Adrian! This is Benjy's interview.

Monk: Then what am I doing here?

Sharona: I don't know. I never know.

Mr. Monk and the Airplane

[Sharona and Monk are at the airport.]

Sharona: Okay. I got good news and bad news. Whadda you wanna hear first?

Monk: Neither.

Sharona: Well, you gotta pick one!

Monk: I don't want to. You tell me the good news first, I won't enjoy it because I'll be worried about the bad news which is coming next. But if you tell me the bad news first, I won't even get a chance to enjoy the good news, because I know—

Sharona: Okay, okay, Adrian — just stop.

. . .

Sharona: Aunt Minn's not coming here. I'm going there. My, ah, flight leaves in about an hour, and… I'm gonna be gone for seven days.

Monk: In a row?

. . .

Monk: Uh… I'm gonna stay here.

Sharona: By yourself?

Monk: No, I'm gonna come with you.

Sharona: On the plane?

[Monk shakes his head vertically, horizontally, diagonally, and in circles.]

Sharona: You sure?

Ticket Clerk: I can assure you, Mr. Monk, this particular aircraft has an excellent safety record.

Monk: Could I see it?

Sharona: Adrian! Eh… he doesn't have the safety record with him.

Monk: How long would it take you to get a copy?

[Adrian empties his pockets of all his baggied items, including his money.]

Security Guard: You didn't have to put them in baggies, sir.

Sharona: No, he did.

[Sharona spots a familiar face on the plane.]

Sharona: Oh, my God! That's Tim Daly. I love him!

Monk: What is he, some kind of actor?

Sharona: Yeah, yeah! He was in that show, "Wings"!

Monk: Never saw it. Was it good?

Sharona: Well… he was.

NOTE: Tony Shalhoub (Monk) was Daly's co-star in the TV comedy "".

[Monk repeatedly presses the Call button. Flight attendant Leigh stops by.]

Leigh: Can I help you?

Monk: I was just testing the button.

Leigh: It seems to be working.

[Monk keeps pressing the button.]

Leigh: So you can stop now.

Sharona: [whispering] Adrian! Adrian! Sit down. Sit down! Sit down.

[Monk finally sits after pressing the button one last time.]

Leigh: Let me guess. First time on a plane?

Monk: Oh, no, no. I've been on a plane before.

Leigh: Where d'ya go?

Monk: Uh… I didn't actually go anywhere. Before we took off, I was crying so much that they asked my mother and me t-to leave the plane.

Sharona: Tell her how old you were.

Monk: I was, uh, twenty… -seven.

Annoying kid: Do you like riddles?

Monk: Oh, yes.

Annoying kid: Good, 'cause I have one.

Monk: Did I say yes? I meant no.

Beach: Where's your friend, that one "Sherry" something?

Monk: Oh, she's, uh… she's in the bathroom.

Beach: No, she's not. It says "unoccupied".

Monk: I… hope she didn't leave.

Beach: [laughs] How far can she go? It's an aeroplane!

[Monk interrupts Sharona's visit with Tim Daly.]

Sharona: Why don't you go back to your seat? Count the clouds?

Monk: I already did. 23.

Monk: She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian? It's like… forgetting you're a Republican.

[Monk is talking to Lt. Disher on an airplane phone.]

Disher: Are you really up there in an airplane?

Monk: It's better than being up here not in an airplane.

Season 2

Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man

[Monk and Capt. Stottlemeyer approach a suspect's house.]

Stottlemeyer: It's kind of messy in there. Could've been a fight.

Monk: Is that probable cause?

Stottlemeyer: Probably.

Monk: Probably probable cause?

Stottlemeyer: It's good enough for me.

[Monk jumps on top of the dining table to avoid a snake.]

Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.

Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators…

Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay — I don't need the entire list.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater

[Monk and Sharona follow Jenna to a hotel, but are intercepted by a greeter for a conference.]

Greeter: Oh! Excuse me! Have you registered?

Monk: For… what?

Greeter: Speedy Dates? We do it here once a month?

Sharona: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I-I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.

Greeter: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.

Monk: Speedy Dates? No. No no. No, that's like… Dante's seventh circle of Hell.

Date #1: I like your eyes.

Monk: Well, thank you. They came with the face.

Sharona: So, how'd the dating go?

Monk: Oh, it was terrible! Thank God I'm not single.

Sharona: You are single.

Monk: Oh yeah.

Monk: You… you enter from the right…

Sharona: You mean the left. That's stage left.

Monk: But it's on the right.

Sharona: But it's stage left. That's what they call it.

[She shrugs at Monk's apoplexy.]

Sharona: My sister's an actress!

Monk: But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on planet Earth.

Sharona: [sardonically] Like you would know.

Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect

Sharona: Is that a new tie?

Lt. Disher: It's a gift from my girlfriend.

Sharona: She has very good taste. In ties, not in men.

Lt. Disher: Ooh — do I detect a hint of jealousy?

Sharona: If you do, it's the only detecting you've ever done.

Stottlemeyer: Alright, so… Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.

Monk: That's right.

Stottlemeyer: While he was in a coma.

Monk: [admiringly] You gotta admit — it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!

Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: they're conscious!

Monk: Nonetheless.

Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?

Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy

[Monk tries to find an article in a Sapphire nudie magazine, but after seeing its other contents, he looks away, humming nervously.]

Diane: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?

Sharona: He is now.

Season 3

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