Mark Twain Quotes and Quotation

Pen name of Samuel Clemens (1835 - 1910) was a novelist and humorist.

Table of contents

1 Sourced 2 Attributed 2.1 Courage 2.2 Facts 2.3 Government 2.4 Honesty 2.5 Humility 2.6 Humor 2.7 Truth 2.8 Miscellaneous

Sourced

• "To string incongruities and absurdities together in a wandering and sometimes purposeless way, and seem innocently unaware that they are absurdities, is the basis of the American art, if my position is correct."
  • Source: "How To Tell A Story" (1897)

• "For in a republic, who is 'the country?' Is it the Government which is for the moment in the saddle? Why, the Government is merely a servant – merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn’t. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them. Who, then, is 'the country?' Is it the newspaper? Is it the pulpit? Is it the school-superintendent? Why, these are mere parts of the country, not the whole of it; they have not command, they have only their little share in the command. They are but one in the thousand; it is in the thousand that command is lodged; they must determine what is right and what is wrong; they must decide who is a patriot and who isn’t."
  • Source: "Documents Related to 'Diaries Antedating the Flood'" (from the collection The Bible According to Mark Twain)

• "The official list of questions which the priest is required to ask will overmasteringly excite any woman who is not a paralytic."
  • Source: Letters From the Earth (written 1909-10, published 1962)

• "A Southerner talks music."
  • Source: Life on the Mississippi Chapter 44.

Attributed

Courage

• "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."

Facts

• "Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."

Government

• "Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it."

Honesty

• "Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."

Humility

• "Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."

Humor

• "Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place."
• "The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it."
• "The funniest things are the forbidden."
• "Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes."

Truth

• " Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't"
• "A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval."
• "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
• "Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain."
• "Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."
• "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with."
• "I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position."
• "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it."
• "I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way."
• "When in doubt, tell the truth."

Miscellaneous

• "The minority is always in the right. The majority is always in the wrong."

• "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."

• "Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest."

• "Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any."

• "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

• "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

• "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."

• "Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."

• "History does not repeat itself, It rhymes."

• "I have no color prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. All I care to know is that a man is a human being, and that is enough for me; he can't be any worse."

• "I never let my schooling get in the way of my education."

• "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly and I did. I said I didn't know."

• "In all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane."

• "In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination."

• "In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."

• "It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress."

• "It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt."

• "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."

• "I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction."

• "Let us endeavour so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."

• "There are no dialogues, only intersecting monologues"

• "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

• "None but the dead have free speech."

• "October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February."

• "Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial 'we'."

• "Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."

• "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

• "The citizen who sees his society's democratic clothes being worn out and does not cry out is not a patriot but a traitor."

• "The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

• "There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages."

• "They did not know it was impossible, so they did it!"

• "They spell it 'da Vinci' and pronounce it 'da Vinchy.' Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce."

• "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect."

• "Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one."

• "Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out all the wrong words."

• "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."

• "The difference between the right word and the nearly right word is the same as that between lightning and the lightning bug."

• "The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter — 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning."

• "The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right."

• "Whiskey is for drinking. Water is for fighting over."

• "Be careful while reading health books, you might die of a misprint."

• "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness."

• "The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell, together, as quickly as possible.

• "When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."

• "Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it."

• "It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either."

• "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

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