Dave Barry Quotes and Quotation

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• Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
• I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
• I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
• Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
• There's no way to know for sure without finding out what a "kg" is, and my belief, as an American, is that if I have to start understanding the metric system, then the terrorists have won.
• Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
• What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
• You can only be young once but you can be immature forever.
• Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.
• Everybody wins in chess!
• American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
• As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
• Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
• Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."
• Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements...
• Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
• I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
• The Rule of Life:
  • 1. A lot of things can happen
  • 2. All of these can kill you
  • 3. So DON'T PANIC!!!
• We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.